The Rat Pack Would Not Have You, Mr. Macfarlane

A lot of people have been scratching their heads and trying to figure out exactly what Seth Macfarlane was doing onstage at The Oscars (now the official name of the awards show, as Academy Awards is considered too old-timey or something) as the creator of Family Guy and Ted bombed joke after joke. Macfarlane bizarrely tried to mix off-color humor with old-school song and dance-man routines, throwing out sexist jokes then participating in numbers that would have felt contemporary before the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. "What is going on here?", millions of people seemed to be thinking (and hundreds of people in my Twitter feed) asking all at once.


But close-Macfarlane watchers will know exactly what he was doing... he was making his latest appeal to join The Rat Pack. While Macfarlane playing around with his self-indulgent fantasies that he'd fit in next to Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr. is fine on his own time, but forcing nearly a billion people globally (note... this number is, like the egos of many Hollywood stars, spectacularly inflated... considering the fact that the largest audience for the Oscars is the United States and 40 million people watched the decently-rated show last night, where do the rest of the 900 million plus people come in? I've read that the number is much closer to 300 million, which is admittedly a whole lot of people, but barely a quarter of the way to the big B word) is another story entirely.

In 2011, Macfarlane put out Music is Better Than Words, an album where he covered a bunch of old swing-era standards. Reviews were decidedly mixed as Macfarlane indulged in his Rat Pack era fantasies, but if you didn't want to hear him try to pretend he belonged in a Vegas showroom in the 60's, you could pretty easily avoid listening to the music, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Look, bro, it's cool that you used your resources to make your ego-trip But letting MacFarlane loose onstage at The friggin' Oscars is another story entirely.

Look, I understand the motivation behind hiring the guy. I'm not a big fan of his work, but there are plenty of people who are, as the fact that Family Guy has been on since the 90's and Ted's half-billion global gross can attest to... the guy has a huge fan-base, and they're young. Ratings were up 19% over last year's Billy Crystal-hosted snooze-fest, so the producers got the boost they wanted, especially among young viewers. But reviews for MacFarlane have been blindingly harsh, as his (ultra-lame) meta opening bit featuring William Shatner as Captain Kirk traveling from the future to warn him that he would be described as the worst Oscar host in history proved to be prescient (and did not work to stave off such criticisms simply by BEING meta).

MacFarlane is an uber-successful TV show creator and now film writer/ director. While he voices many characters on Family Guy, American Dad!, and The Cleveland Show, and he played the title talking teddy bear (who sounded suspiciously like the main character in Family Guy) in Ted, MacFarlane has little experience performing as himself. While he did a decent job on Saturday Night Live a few months back, that doesn't suddenly make him Chris Rock, Billy Crystal, Bob Hope, or Johny Carson. MacFarlane seemed nervous throughout the night, shifting his weight back and forth and making the camera-men work overtime to follow him in medium closeup as joke after joke bombed, and while he looked like he enjoyed singing and dancing along with Channing Tatum, Charlize Theron, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Daniel Radcliffe, Fred Astaire he is not.

Look, I don't want to pick on the guy too much. I'm not a fan, but he's got an audience who loves what he does. My main point is that MacFarlane was trying to pull of a Rat Pack swagger where he could be comically irreverent in one moment and earnestly worshipful to old showbiz style in the next. That mixture makes sense on paper, and a more modern Rat Pack style entertainer would be a great fit for the Oscars. But Macfarlane's jokes came off as mean-spirited, his dancing and singing was nothing to write home about, and he projected a smarmy attitude when he didn't seem outright nervous. This is not what we deserve from an Oscar host viewed by (maybe a quarter of a) billion people worldwide. Just because MacFarlane fantasizes about being part of The Rat Pack riffing onstage at The Sands or Riviera showrooms in the 60's doesn't mean Sinatra and co. would let him into their club.

That kind of swagger where you can be take jabs but remain likable, where you can make fun of people while also implying that you still like them, where you can project a frat-boy ease without coming off as a bro-ed out jerk is not easy to pull off, and choosing a guy with next to no hosting experience under his belt to try and bring that Vegas in the 60s persona back to life was not the right way to go, despite the ratings boost. The thing that's totally shocking to me is that ABC already has the perfect solution on their network and aired his show right after The Oscars ended... Jimmy Kimmel displays ALL of the qualities that the producers were looking for when they tapped MacFarlane... he's got that fratty, proto-Rat Pack swagger where he can take digs at mega-stars (and they can digs right back at him) while remaining totally likeable and confident. His Oscar-tied in and Hollywood-skewing video he aired during his special post-Oscars episode, "Movie: The Movie 2" is already a hit, after the original "Movie: The Movie" fake trailer racked up an impressive 30 million or so views since it came out a year ago.

Kimmel, who ABC is aggressively pushing into the limelight as he steps in to compete with Dave and Jay in his new 11:30 PM slot, will probably end up hosting The Oscars in the near future, perhaps as soon as next year. My question is why they didn't tap him this year instead of tapping a guy with no hosting experience? Seth MacFarlane wants to be a member of The Rat Pack in  the 60's in the worst way. But watch Sinatra and pals take the stage in any video on YouTube from that era and you'll see why they would never have invited the guy into their club even if he could be beamed back in time, Captain Kirk style.

Oh well, better luck next year Oscar producers. I think we can at least all agree to love the awesomely gaffe-prone and genuine Jennifer Lawrence. Now there's a chick Frank Sinatra and the boys would want to hang out with.

Atomic Liquors Returning Soon

Sometimes you can't kill a classic.

Atomic Liquors is the oldest bar in Las Vegas, a Downtown institution that hosted some of the most glamorous stars and seediest gangsters over the course of its six decade history. Opened in 1952, Atomic took its name because visitors could watch test blasts from the roof as they enjoyed a stiff drink. The bar holds the oldest liquor license in town, was issued the first package liquor license in Vegas, and was once occupied by a cafe (according to legend) named after Bugsy Siegel's girlfriend.

Over the course of its long history, The Rat Pack, The Smothers Brothers, Clint Eastwood, Robert DeNiro, Burt Reynolds, and Rod Serling spent time at the bar, rubbing shoulders with the equally flush yet less reputable mobsters who ran the town. Diva Barbra Streisand even had a personal seat reserved only for her visits. A memorable (and ultra-violent) scene from Martin Scorsese's Casino was filmed in the bar, while Atomic's iconic sign was used in various Vegas-set films, most recently in The Hangover.

Original owners Joe and Stella Sobchik ran the bar for nearly 60 years until they both passed away within a few months of each other, which led to initial shuttering of the classic watering hole. The passing of the couple, who had become an local institution as much as their place of business, could have meant that The Atomic would go the way of so many other iconic Las Vegas legends whose storied histories were decimated in dramatic implosions. But this is one story with a happy ending, as a group of industrious and ambitious investors saw an opportunity in the classic Vegas venue, leasing the place from the Sobchik's son and dreaming up elaborate renovation plans that would modernize the venue while retaining the classic spirit. This week, the new owners accepted the keys to the place and are already planning their extensive updates, with plans to open the new and improved Atomic Liquors in December.

The new owners include Derek Stonebarger, who runs Theater7 in Downtown, a small yet awesome venue that screens indie and art house film and hosts live performances. Stonebarger is a filmmaker himself and a true cinephile who plans to turn the bar into an even more ambitious outlet for artists and the creative community than his theater, which recneetly celebrated its one year anniversary.

Plans for the renovation include a brand new Beer Garden with views of The Fremont Street Experience, larger bathrooms, and an expanded back-bar area. The owners also plan to pay homage to the entertainers who drank at Atomic with The Rat Pack Corner, Smothers Brothers Alley, and Barbra's Seat (a restoration of the original seat reserved for the favorite star of Jewish mothers and gay men everywhere). The interior will be treated like a museum as much as a bar, with decor dedicated to honoring the history of the place and plenty of old school Vegas artwork and photos hanging from the walls. The bar is located next to a large garage which will be used for live performances, and the parking lot will be converted into The Atomic Drive In, where classic and indie films (as well as atomic blast test footage) will be projected during outdoor screenings.

Like the recently rescued from the brink of extinction Clifton's Cafeteria in Los Angeles (which is also going through its own series of ambitious renovations aimed at mixing in modern elements with the restaurant's classic, Disneyland inspiring kitch), what could have amounted to the loss of a old school piece of a city's history will be reborn anew.

Converting the old warhorse into a hip and vibrant bar, beer garden, museum, live venue, and theater is an ambitious undertaking, but it's the exactly what Downtown needs to keep evolving into a mecca for the young and creative. I can't wait to drink at the reborn Atomic for years to come... assuming the end of the world doesn't happen this year. But even if the Mayans were right about 2012, I plan on watching the nukes explode from the rooftop of The Atomic as I sip on their strong drinks, just like the original patrons did almost 60 years ago.

Plugging a Blackhole: The North Strip

The north end of The Las Vegas Strip was not doing well before the recession, but the collapsing economy has been catastrophic for the area. Once the site of the last remaining old-school casinos, The Stardust was imploded to make room for a hotel that was never finished, The Sahara has been closed down to make room for a planned SLS Hotel, and all that remains are the increasingly low-rent Riviera and Circus Circus (which is billed as a family friendly destination complete with a theme park but is also the kind of place where you immediately remove the comforter on your hotel room bed).

So what is Las Vegas to do with this large chunk of the iconic Strip? While Steve Wynn's luxury towers were built towards the north end of The Strip as they square off against The Trump across the street, as if the two exceedingly rich men (who famously have no love for each other) chose their locations in order to have the world's most expensive staring contest, the flow of Bellagio-like luxury stopped there and isn't likely to continue. The SLS gamble may well pay off and create fancy-pants luxury resort even further up The Strip, but the dead zone creates an opportunity for casino builders to think smarter instead of bigger. Being the visionary that I am, here are my personal (and only half snarky) recommendations for how to fix the north Strip.

Go Old School: Conservative scumbag casino mogul Sheldon Adelson knocked down The Sands in 1996 to make way for The Venetian Resort. The Sands is still a powerful brand name (why else would he call his company Las Vegas Sands even after knocking down the resort?) and nostalgia for old-school Vegas style is still palpable, with a trilogy of Oceans 11 films grossing over $1 billion (with a b) worldwide over the last decade by riding a tone of neo-Rat Pack cool. The Mob Museum has opened its doors recently in celebration of the seedy history of Sin City. And even though Las Vegas has lost market share to the more loose book-keeping practices of Macau as a destination for the world's gamblers, it's still friggin' Las Vegas. Sin City is the original and someone needs to make the smart move by building a casino that plays off that history of Rat Pack cool and bad behavior. It be a bit ironic to knock down a property and build a modern take on The Sands barely a decade and a half after the original was destroyed... but Vegas is ever changing, so why can't it change back and regrow some of its roots?

Niche It Up: I've already noted in the past how nichey Las Vegas is becoming. The North Strip could be a great spot to serve some of the niches who are not coming to Las Vegas. Put that Ace Hotel I keep talking about in one of those empty lots, build a Standard Hotel (for the d-bag Entourage loving crowd who thinks they're artsy and interesting), create a techy and gamer-centric destination geeks will love, build a gay resort, target Latin-Americans (a strategy that's been working for nearby Primm), market to pirates. Builders can think smart as they build these more modest places with specific target audiences in mind instead of spending billions as they try to become all things to all people. And while these niche based properties will appeal to smaller audiences, those same audiences will be fiercely loyal to the resorts that speak to their desires directly.

Go Downscale: The pre-recession Vegas boom witnessed the opening of more and more luxury resorts on The Strip, but those salad days are over (I've never understood that term, btw... salads are sensible and healthy meals, so why does the term "salad days" mean a time of youthful irresponsibility? Just sayin'.) and more and more resorts have seen the writing on the wall. While Treasure Island (or TI as it's known to the kiddies) was never an upscale resort (even before Steve Wynn sold it), the place is now smartly marketing to mid level audiences, replacing upscale nightclubs with more affordable party destinations like Senor Frogs, Gilley's Salon, and Kahunaville. The entrepreneurs of the North Strip's future would be wise to follow this model as they build out in the desolate area. There's enough luxury options for the 1%... open some fun options for the rest of us out there.

Connect to Downtown: I know, I'm obsessed with the continued development of Downtown Las Vegas, but I find Tony Hseih's plan to renovate the area inspiring and fascinating. The North Strip and Downtown will never actually physically connect to each other, but they can do so spiritually. Downtown is becoming the part of Las Vegas where the cool, bohemian, artsy, and progressive can hang out... why can't the North Strip open a few bars and establishments that appeal to the creative class who live in and visit Sin City. And who knows, maybe Hseih, the Santa Clause of Downtown, will reach into his bottomless moneybag and build a monorail that connects the end of The Strip to his beloved hood? It might sound crazy, but making it easier (and cheaper) to travel between The Strip and Downtown will bring more people out to the area, which is exactly what Hseih wants and needs for his vision to succeed.

Turn Failures into Wins: Sure there are now a ton of empty lots where historic resorts once stood and luxurious new properties were supposed to tower above The Strip. But why not turn those failures into wins? Don't think of them as empty lots, think of them as giant theme parks. The owners of these failed properties could stop losing money every day with unfinished products and turn the husks of resorts they've built into fun attractions, like haunted houses, spots to install ziplines, or "recession tours."

Okay, this is a terrible idea, but someone has to do something with these massive empty lots.