How to Fix Nightclubs: Unsolicited Advice from a Hater of the Scene

Since there is no logical way for me to write a post discussing Batman on a blog about Las Vegas, I suppose I'll have to ignore what has become a single-minded focus on the fact that I'm seeing The Dark Knight Rises in a mere 8 or so hours and actually discuss something that my readers might find vaguely relevant. (Though everyone on the planet is excited for the conclusion of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, so my readers would probably enjoy a meta discussion of politics and philosophy in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, right? Right? Is this thing on?)

Okay, so actual Las Vegas content... right! I've made myself clear time and time again that I really, really, (REALLY!!!) don't like the whole nightclub scene in Las Vegas. It should come as no surprise that a dude who prefers dive bars with Craft Beers, deep jukeboxes, and interesting crowds would be against places that make you wait lines for just long enough to feel humiliated before you have to pay an exorbitantly high cover charge in order to enter a club packed with overly aggressive bros all wearing basically the same button up shirt uniforms as they compete for the attention of the few short-skirted women who are there without their boyfriends by paying for ridiculously overpriced and not particularly strong cocktails while awful Top 40 hits you're already sick of blast out of the speakers. Plus some of these places have sad looking girls dancing in cages or columns of fire blasting from the ceilings that make them feel like Sodom and Gomorrah come to vivid life. There's a reason I never party on Hollywood Blvd. or The Sunset Strip while I'm home in Los Angeles, and I try to avoid these exact scenes which repeat in almost every Las Vegas nightclub.

That said, I have absolutely nothing against dancing. I used to refuse to dance, back when I was younger and more self-conscious. I've finally learned to not care what people think of me (and realized that mostly people are not really thinking of me at all anyway) and learned to enjoy myself on the dance floor, or as much as an uncoordinated straight Jewish dude can enjoy themselves on a dance floor (which is quite a lot when enough alcohol is involved!)

All that is to say I would not mind finding a fun place to dance in Las Vegas, but it's hard to work myself up to waiting in those lines and trying to convince the pretentious bouncers that I'm cool enough to get in to a place that I won't really like once I've finally lowered my dignity enough to actually get in. So that's why I've created this list of unsolicited advice on how one could create the perfect, non-douchey nightclub that would attract a alternate crowd to the usual bros and bro-ettes that queue up to get into The Marquee and XS every night. (Because clearly the owners of these clubs, with their mile-long lines of partygoers waiting for hours to gain entry as they make money hand over fist, really need my advice.) My perfect nightclub would feature:

No Velvet Rope
While Luxor's Savile Row has done an admirable job creating an alternative space designed to attract a more creative and interesting crowd than most Vegas clubs, they've done so by doubling down on the exclusivity thing, featuring a bouncer so demanding he's become a local celebrity. They keep out the usual boring Club-hoppers, but it also means they keep out pretty much everyone. My dream club would feature no Velvet Rope or bouncer, and people would only be shut out if the place was filled past fire codes. I'd want to include everyone, which would mean that yes, many of those DBags I often make fun of on this site would be allowed in, in the spirit of bro-hood and democracy. Besides, the truly boring people would probably stay away as the place would feature...

Better (and Less Popular) Music

While I am not a electronic music superfan, the fact that many of the hot clubs are booking top-tier DJs playing original tunes as opposed to the same Top 40 that every other place plays all the time is encouraging. But my club would mix it up with DJs spinning some truly eclectic tunes that would not fall into the Dubsteppin' category. I'd want DJs that had James Murphy's encyclopedic knowledge of cool music, from the very latest underground indie to amazing deep cuts from decades past. My place would feature DJs playing set lists from bands that would resemble the hipster name-checking exercise Murphy became famous for with Losing My Edge. Who knows, maybe Murphy would be willing to become a resident DJ at my place. He has a little more time on his hands since he retired LCD Soundsystem... and he can't say no since this club will never exist in the real world anyway!

Couches for All!
I'm no socialist. I know that much of the money clubs pull in is made from bottle service. So sure, I'll still have a VIP section where people who are dumb enough to pay $300 for a $25 bottle of booze plus the privilege of  having a table saved for them. I WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY IF YOU WANT TO GIVE IT TO ME, ONE PERCENTERS! But my club would also feature couches and seating for everyone to take a load off after hitting the dance floor. If you're dancing in a crowded and hot club, you should be able to sit. America's working class should have seats in nightclubs too! If Barack Obama made this part of his stump speech, he'd win in a landslide come November.

Affordable Drinks
Again, I know the clubs make much of their profit on alcohol sales. But the markup is ridiculous enough at even the most affordable dive bar... and somehow in a nightclub, alcohol ends up costing about three times what it costs at (the already not so cheap) Casino bars. My club would pour decent cocktails and great Beer, and wouldn't charge you an arm and a leg (when just an arm will suffice for us to turn a decent profit).
 

A Unique Vibe
Almost every megaclub opening in Las Vegas is hyped up beyond belief, with budgets ballooning as Casinos engage in a nuclear arms race (set to a throbbing Dubstep beat) to open the most excessive nightlife spot on The Strip. But why are these places spending millions of dollars to basically repeat the exact same boring designs over and over? With almost every club featuring the same Miami in the 80's-vomit color scheme, strobe lights, and smoke machines, why can't one of these clubs have a creative design and atmosphere? Most clubs are competing for the most opulent, luxurious, Life-styles of the Rich and Famous, Kanye West video vibe possible, but I'd go for something else. Maybe a grungy CBGB type throwback design (shades of The Double Down Saloon) for the rock kids, or a well thought out theme that transports you to a different place, as befitting of a nightclub in the Disneyworld for adults that is Las Vegas. Possible crazy fun themes (instead of pretentious and snooty) include a futuristic Akira-like backdrop with lasers and dancing robots, a meticulously detailed high school gym (to give you the chance to redeem yourself from the days when you'd stand in the corner at a school dance and wallflower it up while The Wallflowers played) or even... (you all knew Batman was coming back into this post eventually) The Batcave. (Fun fact, there was indeed once a Batman themed nightclub called Wayne Manor in the San Fracisco suburbs back in the 60s. Thanks, internet!)

Escape from Douchery, Part 10: Savile Row

 

If you're like me, the thought of a typical Las Vegas club gives you a serious case of the douche-chills. 

The scene in most Vegas clubs is always the same, the air thick with the scent of Axe Body spray and desperation as teeming masses dress so uniformly that it feels more like a twisted military exercise as everyone dances badly to the same four or five horribly auto-tuned "bangers" played at volumes that make conversation (and coherent thought) impossible while strobe lights flash garishly. The whole thing is enough to make you understand why terrorists, or at least The French, hate us. One Vegas club actually has columns of flame blasting from the ceiling as scantily clad women hang from trapeze in a setting that inches so closely to Biblical style debauchery you expect to be smited, Old Testament style, before last call.

The thing is, I'm not categorically against the concept of partying at a place where you can hang out and drink strong cocktails and listen to decent music while you impress the ladies with your sweet moves. It's just hard to find a club in Vegas that doesn't make you want to retch up the buffet food you over-indulged in before hitting the dance floor. Savile Row at (of all places) The (ridiculously un-hip, Egytian themed) Luxor strives, and in a lot of ways succeeds, at bringing something different to the crowed club scene.

One of the things that drives me bananas about nightclubs is the velvet rope culture of the whole thing. You have to wait forever to get in to a place that you will probably want to leave pretty much right away, and often end up standing in line for longer than seems possible in an exercise in humiliation that will inevitably bring back memories of getting picked last in gym class. Savile Row is different, though it does not, and let me repeat, DOES NOT eschew with the whole bouncer as gatekeeper of cool thing... in fact, the place kind of doubles down on the exclusivity. The only people who are guaranteed to get in to Savile Row are those who picked (by a shadowy and mysterious committee) to pay yearly memberships, and if you're willing to pay an exorbitant sum to be a member of a nightclub in Las Vegas, then you're probably too stupid to even understand any clever joke I could come up with about how stupid you are.

The membership program isn't the only way to crash the gates of the club, but Savile Row has the strictest line policy in all of Las Vegas, which is both a drawback and what makes the place special. It's not easy to get in, but that's because management's goal is to throw the most eclectic party in town every single night. That means the bouncers here are not as moved to lift the velvet rope by a giggling gaggle of girls in short skirts as they are at other clubs. Savile Row's main gatekeeper, the very coolly named Mike Diamond, truly strives to populate the place with a mix of interesting people that don't fit the normal club scene mold, so creative fashion choices, interesting tattoos and outside the box personalities are more likely to get in over dumb-dumb Sorority girls and Fratboy meat-heads. Fashion and style are important factors in getting into the club, something more creative than the button up shirt and expensive jeans combo that most dudes wear or the skanky short skirts and absurdly angled high heels that usually serves as the typical club-goer uniform. I was able to get in because I was rocking a fedora and a nice jacket over a T-Shirt for a band so cool you've probably never heard of them, no big deal. Also I convinced the bouncer that I was Wes Anderson's cousin... but how I got in isn't important, you guys!

Once I broke through the hallowed gates, receiving dirty looks from the kinds of bros who used to beat me up in high school, I realized that this was the Las Vegas nightclub I'd always dreamed of visiting. First of all, there is no cover if you're invited in, which is a huge plus. I've never understood why you have to pay admission for the privilege of overpaying for drinks at other clubs, but that's another rant.

The intimate, Speak-Easy inspired space is beautifully decorated, with glass tables displaying beautifully lit vintage fashion and sewing machines (keeping in step with the venue's namesake, the fashionable street in London... I know, I don't care about fashion either, but I do care about thematic coherence), velvet curtains, multicolored walls, an inexplicable metal Rhino sculpture (am I starting to sound like SNL's Stefon?), and a gorgeous giant domed chandelier illuminating the intimate, 2,000 square foot space. Beautiful  and attentive female servers wearing Men's dress shirts and no pants never leave you with an empty glass for long. Okay, so maybe that's gross and exploitative on some level, but being a sensitive post-feminist man doesn't stop me from being a man, so pretty pants-less ladies are okay in my book.

And the cocktails those pretty ladies without pants brought me? Some of the best in Las Vegas. Savile Row has miraculously kept up with the LA and New York, post-Mad Men haute-cocktail culture trends, as the super knowledgeable barkeeps can mix you any number of innovative and classic concoctions. I ordered an Old Fashioned and it was one of the best I'd ever tasted. They also stock a great selection of craft brews, something I always appreciate.
 
But the true triumph of Savile Row is the totally unique vibe. Look, the place still is a Vegas nightclub, which means you will encounter some douchebag elements when, and if, you get in. But the mythic gatekeepers truly do an admirable job of ensuring that the crowds are diverse and interesting. While many of the more hipster-ish elements of the city are probably hanging out at The Double Down or First Fridays, there really was an eclectic mix of people on the night I partied at the club. I talked to a tatted up musician and a very funny young comedian from LA, and we were all surprised that we were actually having such a good time in a Las Vegas club.

Savile Row's strict "no cameras" policy is something I didn't expect to make a difference, but it turned out to be truly awesome. Designed to stop onlookers on from snapping pics of the celebrities who often hang out there, the policy actually made my group enjoy ourselves and stay in the moment and present, because none of us were posting for Facebook or Instagram pics to commemorate the evening as it happened... we chatted and danced instead of Tweeting and posing, and the memories of the evening exist nowhere but on the insides our mind palaces. 

The music selection was downright miraculous. Sure, the DJ played some Top 40, but he also spun great 70's soul tunes, old school hip hop, a plethora of great (and not typical) 80's crowd-pleasers, a few nostalgia inducing 90's jams, a decent selection of impressively obscure-ish indie tracks, and some moody cool electro music (M83 and the Drive soundtrack FTW!). Best of all, I didn't hear one song from LMFAO all night (or at least until I exited the club and hit The Luxor's gaming floor for some very late night gambling). The music wasn't just eclectic... it was played at the perfect level so that I could actually have conversations with my friends without shouting.

Savile Row is really something different in terms of Las Vegas clubs, with a unique ambiance, an emphasis on eclecticism, perfectly mixed cocktails, gorgeous ladies without pants, and truly excellent DJs spinning atypical playlists. I hope more clubs follow Savile Row's lead and create an alternate to the generic club template that exists all over town.

The one true drawback of the place is that it really is hard to get in, but let me leave you with a few tips on how to stand out from the crowd and get the attention of the gatekeepers at Savile Row:

-Wear a powder blue prom tuxedo or a 70's style leisure suit.
-Dress up like an astronaut or in a full Spider-Man costume.
-Be Bill Murray or in an up and coming buzz band like The Cults (if your band's first record got less than an 8.0 on Pitchfork, you probably won't get in).
-Ride a mini-Pony up to the back of the club's line.
-Walk by the club multiple times in different outfits until you get the "green light."
-Convince the gate-keepers that your Wes Anderson's cousin.
-Somehow make the bouncers believe that you DON'T want to get into the club. This is hard because why would you be near the line for Savile Row if you didn't want to get in? But, just like hot ladies, the bouncers will want you more if they think don't care about getting in there.
- Hope that the bouncers mistake you for one of the stars of Portlandia.
- Name drop your influential and widely read blog.
-Have the most awesomely unique or crazy weird tattoos and make sure the bouncers can see them.
-Show up without pants. This will probably only work for ladies, but dudes are welcome to give it a try.
-Guilt head-gatekeeper Mike Diamond into thinking you knew him in high school until he feels bad enough to let you in. If that doesn't work... "Incept" him.
-Casualy name drop Can, Suicide, The Slits or other bands mentioned in LCD Soundsytem's "Losing My Edge."
-Show up with your good friends Penn and Teller (which still might not get you in).
-Be Ryan Gosling (but that'll get you "into" pretty much anything these days, if you know what I mean, hint hint, wink wink).
-Be Kanye West (this may be a big positive or a big negative, depending on how the bouncers feel about Kanye West).
-Have a more bad-ass name than "Mike Diamond." But you better be able to prove it with your ID.
-Be cooler than everyone else in Las Vegas.