Speculating Wildly on Sir Rachard Branson's Plans to Virginize Las Vegas

Richard Branson is one of the billionaires on the planet who is hard to hate. The guy pushes forward progressive politics, has some pretty cool brands, doesn't overcharge consumers to use them (Virgin America is one of the most pleasant and feature-packed flying experiences out there, and their ticket prices are consistently amongst the lowest available), has an irreverent sense of humor, is so intent on going to space that he's developing his own space-ships, and just seems to have a lot of fun being Richard Branson overall.


Virgin is expanding into the arena of hotels, with the first one open to set in Chicago next year and plans to aggressively expand into cities where Branson's brand would fit in nicely. The recently launched Virgin Hotels Website (which will presumably offer a tangible product that consumers can actually experience sooner than Virgin Galactic) says the chain will look to draw "high income, well educated, metropolitan, creative class customers." Since this sounds suspiciously similar to The Cosmopolitan's made up demographic they've dubbed the "curious class," it's no surprise that, in addition to cities like New York, LA, and San Francisco, the New York Post reports that one of the cities that Virgin is targeting as a hotel site is Las Vegas.

Virgin Hotel Chicago will be opened in an old building that will be renovated into something new and presumably oh-so-Branson. Will Virgin do the same in Las Vegas and other cities? Will Branson play it safe and near properties with similar demographics like The Cosmopolitan or CityCenter, take a chance on the emerging neighborhood that is Downtown (as I keep hoping the owners of The Ace Hotel chain will do in the near future as well), or try to be a part of the revitalization of the North Strip along with The SLS?

This is potentially awesome news, and while there are no real details on what a Virgin Hotel Las Vegas will look like, that's never stopped me from speculating wildly. Which is why I've come up with the following fantasy itinerary based around a fully Virginized Las Vegas weekend.

(Note... I love Virgin America and many other Branson properties and feel that Sir Richard is actually a super cool guy. The following fake itinerary is for gently affectionate satirical purposes only. So please don't kill me, Mr. Branson, even though I'm sure you have Virgin-branded Drones that could assassinate me with extreme precision or serve me a perfectly mixed Martini, depending which mode you set it on.)

FRIDAY

8:00 PM: De-board Virgin America flgith at McCarren with a killer travel package put together by the company. Curse when I realize I could have spent less money without the package but was fooled by the ads with pretty girls.

8:30 PM: Arrive at Virgin Hotel and Casino after riding in Virgin Courtesy Shuttle from airport, which is like Virgin Airplane except it's a van, meaning that I'm basically crushed between two fat dues wearing Hawaiian shirts who are excited to have dinner and drinks at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritvaille.

8:45 PM: Check in to room after waiting in line where the latest Dubstep tracks, selected by DJ Branson himself, are playing. Get free shot of Patron upon checkin and from Clarissa, the beautiful desk clerk. Even though I know it's her job to flirt with the customers, I walk away feeling like I made a real impression and mentally plan to walk past the check in desk later before I hit the bars.

9:00 PM: Arrive at room. It's a mixes Stanley Kubrick sterility with bright purple lights. And the giant HDTV features a snarky and cooler than though animated welcome video as well as a Branson only channel where the excitable British Billionaire hosts a travel adventure program about all of the cities that his airline can fly you to to stay in his hotels. The best part will be when he starts ranting, in all earnestness, about building the first Hotel on the moon.

10:00 PM: After realizing I've been watching Branson's channel on a loop for a full hour, emerge from my my hypnotic state and head downstairs to eat an overpriced yet delicious meal at a trendy restaurant with a menu created by (INSERT HOT CELEBRITY CHEF OF 2014'S NAME HERE). The fresh muddled (INSERT 2014'S TRENDIEST FRUIT OR HERB) Cocktail is top-notch.

MIDNIGHT: Grab drinks and hit the dance-floor at the space-aged themed Bar, which will probably be called "SPACE" or "PLANET" or something equally sparse and to the point. Dance a little to slightly better than average beats played by bored looking British (possibly French?) DJ as I (try not to) oggle the girls serving drinks in go-go boots and shiny silver skirts.

3:00 AM: Enjoy a midnight snack at a diner that looks exactly like my hotel room that looks exactly like the inside of Virgin America airplanes that looks exactly like what you'd see if you were shrunk down to the size of a bug and crawled through Branson's magificent goatee.

3:30 AM: Fall to sleep to the loop of Branson's channel, which is starting to become as impossible to turn away from as The Entertainment from Infinite Jest.

SATURDAY


10:00 AM: Wake up, realize how hungover I am, shut out the blinding Vegas sunlight with automated curtains, go back to sleep.

11:00 AM: Wake up for real, rinse off in shower that seems to have come from the future, head out of hotel room.

11:30 AM: Enjoy brunch at Branson's buffet, "As Many Virgins as You Can Handle." Leave disappointed that it's just a cheeky title.

1:00 PM: Hit the pool, only to realize that it's populated by the Kings and Queens of the Kingdom of Douche. Same bored Brit (or French) DJ is spinning by the pool, making more money than I can imagine making in one afternoon while barely feigning consciousness. But if he looked more engaged, he wouldn't have the job, would he?

2:30 PM: Hit the casino floor. Win maybe $30 playing Roulette and get one free, feel like I've won a moral victory. Blow my winnings and my entire gambling budget playing Blakjack for 10 minutes.

3:00 PM: Exceed gambling budget, lose all of it. Get a second free drink, count that as moral victory.

4:00: Walk through The Virgin Mall, feeling slightly buzzed, sleepy, and disoriented. Snap to my senses before booking $10,000,000 reservations at Virgin Galactic Travel Agency for two tickets to the moon hotel.

6:30 PM: Another overpriced yet excellent dinner at a restaurant with a name chef. It's a cool twist on the American diner from a Chef so young and cutting edge he's not born yet. So yes, he'll be 2 when I dine there after the place opens. Deal with it. Richard Branson is hiring two year old Chefs, and  their cooking is amazing.

8:000 PM: Pregame with the help of in-room Ipod Doc and robot that shakes drinks for you. (Note to self: patent idea of drink shaking robot, sell it to Richard Branson, pay for trip to Virgin Las Vegas in 2014 with profits from patent.)

9:00 PM: Queue up to get into Sir Richard's, the hottest nightclub in town of the moment after purchasing VIP pass that promises I won't have to wait in line for too long.

1:30 AM: Get into club. It's like every club in Las Vegas, just more packed. Make eye contact with one or two girls, pay too much for drinks, dance badly to music I'd never listen to. Agree with friends that it was "awesome."

SUNDAY

Lather, rinse repeat. Because that future-shower is awesome.

Cocktail Culture Comes to Las Vegas

Cocktail culture has become a wildly popular trend in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and other cool cities, possibly as a symptom of Mad Men hysteria. These days, you can't throw a rock in one of those towns without hitting a vest-clad mixologist working in a faux speakeasy who can chat with you about the best Bourbon to use in an Old Fashioned and has invented a cleverly named original drink made with seasonal muddled fruits that takes the running time of a typical network sitcom to prepare.

And I'm conflicted about the whole thing.


On one hand, any trend that emphasizes quality is a good thing. I've had some incredibly inventive drinks that tasted like liquid heaven, and I love that you can get Old Fashioneds at almost any bar these days. I like to drink my Old Fashioneds pensively and pretend I'm Don Draper listening to The Beatles for the first time (the real original studio recordings, exorbitant licensing fees be damned!).

While I dig on the retro speakeasy style and delicious drinks, there is something a bit d-baggy about the whole thing. The bartenders at all of these places wear vests... seriously, can't we get a little more creative with the costuming? But more problematically is that cocktail culture in its mutant inception becomes just another thing for yuppie assholes to be pretentious about as they try to impress people with facts about imported Vodkas, the best bitters, and seasonal fruit infusions. Plus a lot of these idiots show up dressed in striped vests just like the bartenders behind the bar, which is just so immensely stupid I don't know where to start.

However conflicted I am about it, the trend continues to grow, and has certainly found its way to Las Vegas. Below is a list of some of the best spots to get haute-cocktails in Sin City.

The Downtown Cocktail Room: Yes, another Downtown bar. And you better believe I'll eventually write a whole post on this awesome place near Fremont Street. I love Downtown Las Vegas, it's just who I am... if you have a problem with that, you can stop reading. Anyway, now that the unnecessarily defensive part is out of the way, The Downtown Cocktail Room is an intimate, low lit place with a cool vibe and resident DJs who spin chilled out tunes as one of the most respected bartenders in town mixes a collection of unbelievable signature drinks. Their Old Fashioned is top-notch, but don't be scared by their menu of original, seasonal concoctions such as The Orthodox Caveman (made with Zucca, Cachaca, Scotch, Apertif, and Bitters), the irreverently named Don't Fig With Me (a concoction of Apple Jack, Fig, Orange, and Molasses), or The Downtown Cider (Spiced Rum, Ginger, Lime, and Clove). This is the kind of place where you can point to a few of your favorite bottles from behind the bar and watch as the alcohol-magician mixes something off the top of his head based on your choices. So yeah, don't just order a Jack and Coke at this awesome spot that provides an escape from the usual Strip scene.

The Vesper Bar: Located near The Cosmopolitan's check in desk, this sexy lounge, named after James Bond's first girlfriend (played by the inhumanly sexy Eva Green in 2006's awesome 007 reboot Casino Royale) features a menu of signature drinks that changes seasonally and includes classic drinks that have gone out of fashion over the years. The expert mixologists (I know it's a terrible term and the first place I heard it was at TGI Friday's, but it's what they seem to prefer to be called so whatever) will make you whatever you want or create a new drink on the fly based on what you like. It's one of those places where you'll order something and they'll recommend a drink that you might like better... and I'd advise you to listen to them, because these people know what they're talking about. The Vesper's ostentatious Chandelier covered  ceiling fits in perfectly at The Cosmopolitan, one of the most self consciously cool resorts in Las Vegas, but with perfectly mixed drinks like the delicious Aviation (a classic from 1916 originally created to celebrate the Wright Brothers made with Gin, Maraschino Liquer, Creme de Violette, and Lemon Juice), it's worth putting up with a little bit of trying too hard.

Herbs and Rye: If you're really into old school cocktail culture, this off-Strip freestanding bar and restaurant on Sahara Avenue is a great bet. Decked out in velvet wallpaper, black leather booths, and chandeliers, the bartenders mix one of the best Old Fashioneds I've ever had in my life as well as the Broken Spur (a resurrected classic made with White Port, Dry Gin, Vermouth, Anisette, Brisard, and a fresh Egg yolk). The food isn't bad either, as my friends and I split a few small plates, and the roaring 20's style vibe is complimented by live Jazz band performances on Monday nights.

Fusion Mixology Bar: Located in the middle of the casino floor in The Palazzo, this Latin themed bar serves fresh fruit infused cocktails from Brazil, Mexico, Peru, and Trinidad with an emphasis on liquors like Tequila, Rum, Cachaca, and Pisco. Drinks like the Flora Fresca (made with Lemon-Ginger Simple Syrup, Vanilla Vodka, Jasmine Liqueur, Hibiscus Liqueur, Lavender Spice Bitters, and Fresh Ginger) or The Gondolier Blanco (made with White Chocolate Liqueur, White Creme de Menthe, White Creme de Cocoa, White Chocolate Syrup, and Cream) are complimented by high energy Salsa, Samba, and Rumba music. It's also refreshing to visit a place that emphasizes mixology where the bartenders are not wearing striped vests and the vibe is isn't that same old fake-Speakeasy thing which was cool a few years ago when it first started coming back but has quickly become an uncreative cliche.

Nora's Italian Cuisine: The family-run, old school eatery, which has been open since 1991, serves classic Italian cuisine in a warm and inviting off-Strip space. While it's not a place that anyone would describe as hip (or even on the same planet as hip), Nora's has been on the vanguard of high quality cocktails for years before it became trendy. Signature cocktails made with fresh seasonal ingredients (with the name of the bartender who invented the concoction listed next to the drink on the menu, a nice personal touch) include The Meadow's Mist (made with Bombay Sapphire, MB Peach, fresh Strawberries, Honey, Rosemary, and Lemon), The Cable Car (with Absolut Mandarin Vodka, Cruzan Mango, Mango Coulis, Alize Red, and Sour), and The Pilgrim's Passion (made with Hendrick's Gin, Elderflower Liquour, Passion Fruit Couilis, Mint, and Sour). The homestyle Pastas and Pizzas aren't bad either.

Bar Moderno: Located inside the futuristic Aria at CityCenter, Bar Moderno employs great mix masters who create spectacular handcrafted Cocktails made with fresh seasonal ingredients (I have used that term too many times in this post, and for that I apologize, but it's also one of the buzzy terms that almost all fancy Cocktail spots emphasize, and while it sounds silly it really does make a difference in the quality of the libations). Drinks like like The Sticky 'n Sweet (made with Rum, Peanut Butter, Honey, Coconut Milk, Ice, and fresh toasted Coconut Garnish) are served in a funky yet fancy bar decked out in bright purple with gold tree trunk sculptures, as live bands and DJs perform, some of whom suprisingly don't suck.

Escape from Douchery, Part 17: Aria Hotel and Casino

I talk about Downtown Las Vegas too much.

I know it, you know it, we all know it. It's where the coolest, most interesting stuff is happening in town, and I truly believe that within the next five years, Downtown will have transformed into a neighborhood similar to Silver Lake, filled with hipsters, art galleries, interesting local businesses, coffee shops, and funky bars.

That said, The Strip is, always has been, and will always remain the center of what Las Vegas is all about, and Sin City's reason for existing in the first place. Las Vegas boulevard is littered with billion dollar properties built to resemble the world's most famous monuments, all of which are mostly populated by the very D-Bags I have spent considerable digital-ink disparaging. But if you pay extra-close attention to this blog, you will note that I have a soft spot in my heart for The Strip. How could I not, as a blogger who writes about loving Las Vegas? Downtown is awesome but still pretty limited in scope, and while the most interesting new things in Vegas are located there and while I always make time for Fremont Street, the truth is that I spend most of my Vegas trips on The Strip, especially when I'm traveling with people who don't share my proclivities for funky weirdness (and I had not ever stayed the night in Downtown until my last trip).

All that is to say that I have to sleep somewhere on The Strip when I'm in town. I usually choose my hotel based on which place has the best rate (via my broke-ass existence) and the best location (generally meaning as close to the geographic center of The Strip as humanly possible). But I also do my best to try a different hotel every time I visit Vegas, and have made questionable monetary and geographic decisions in order to lay my head in a hotel I haven't yet experienced. Which is why I finally stayed at The Aria, CityCenter's sparkling center-piece, even though I could have gotten a better deal on a room at The Monte Carlo. The Aria billed itself as a futuristic, green-friendly resort that's been praised as one of the best geek hotels on the planet, and as a fan of robot fiction, I wanted to experience the future, Las Vegas style.

While I was disappointed that I was not issued a key to a flying car upon check-in, The Aria is pretty damned cool.

Upon entering the room, a robot voice greets you by name (and you better believe I made the woman at the checkin desk enter my name into the computer as "Turd Ferguson"). Our large corner provided perfect views of The Strip through the floor to ceiling windows, from which my friends and I could take turns dramatically gazing at the city, sipping on our pre-game cocktails and imagining that we were nihilistic power-mad Wall Street broker villains from 80's cop movies.

Everything in the room is automated, and I mean everything. Staying at The Aria is like checking into a hotel designed by Stanley Kubrick, except less cold and unfeeling than that description implies. The remote, which I grabbed first and never let go of the entire time we hung out in the room, controls absolutely everything. Press a few buttons to adjust the temperature in your room, open or close the curtains, dim the lights, play music, program your alarm clock, and even TURN ON THE TELEVISION (will the miraculous future revelations never cease?).

The room was as future-cool awesome as advertised, but the point of a Las Vegas hotel room is to give you space to freshen up after a four hour drive and drink a few pre-game cocktails, not to return until 5 or later after failing with women. Which means I need more than a cool bed (since I'll only be using it for sleeping anyway... oh poor me. I'm so lonely!).

The resort keeps the futuristic thing going throughout, dropping the silly themeing that plagued Las Vegas Casino design until through the early 00's. There is something a bit generic and airporty about some the place (and the CityCenter mega-complex as a whole), but the vibe is given some life by the interesting sculptures created by top artists integrated across the property. The casino floor is airy and bright unlike other casinos in town, because the progressive designers flooded it with natural light (which doesn't seem like a big deal but is actually a revolutionary choice in a casino design, where the old philosophy used to be to keep gamblers confused as to the time of day so they wouldn't be able to keep track of how long they'd been losing their money to the house).

Aria (along with CityCenter sister hotel VDara) was also the first LEED certified Hotel in Las Vegas. While I have misgivings about environmentalism being integrated just because it's trendy, the designers worked hard to make sure the hotel is highly efficient and green-friendly, leaving as small a carbon footprint as a 4,000 room hotel could possibly leave. One of the settings you can choose with the elder-remote in your hotel room is a green-friendly setting, where the lights are dimmed, the air conditioning is turned down, and the curtains slide shut to keep the sun out so you won't want to turn the air back up. While one can't honestly expect a Vegas casino to leave no footprint, the designers of Aria did a remarkable job of making the place as green-friendly as possible.

As for things to do in the resort, The Gold Room lounge is cleverly designed to resemble Elvis Presley's legendary Graceland mansion (which was originally built as a tie-in to the soon to close Viva Elvis Cirque Du Soleil show), and while the design is fun and filled with Elvis references, they're harder to enjoy when the lights are dimmed and the soundtrack consists deafening auto-tuned Top 40 hits. At least I didn't hear a dubstep Elvis remix at the lounge. Aria also proudly boasts, Haze, one of the hottest nightclubs on The Strip, which automatically meant that I proudly avoided the place like the plague. A better bet was Bar Moderno, which had space for my friends and I to sit and enjoy their perfectly mixed cocktails. It's a little too purple (that's not a metaphor for anything, they literally decorated the place in tons of bright purple), but they make a good Old Fashioned. The resort also features the delicious Lemongrass, one of the only Thai restaurants on The Strip. I love Thai food (shocking a hipster dude who loves Thai food), so this was an awesome amenity. 

Aria's prime location is another big plus, and it means you're pretty much in walking distance to everything else on The Strip (useful because, surprise fact, even in Las Vegas, drinking and driving is still illegal), and the resort is located in the middle of CityCenter, next to The Cosmpolitan, and just a couple doors down from New York New York (if you want to experience the city's absolute stupidest-cheesy fun casino).

The best part of the place is that when I got back to my room after a night of "hardcore Vegasing" (read: trying to dance with girls until they politely smile at you then walk away to "get a drink"), I arrived back at my awesome future-room and pressed a button on the space-remote (which I hid so none of my friends staying with me could find it... but perhaps I've said too much) that turned all the lights off and put up the Do Not Disturb sign. Those are not difficult activities so this feature might not seem like a big deal, but when you've had 14 whiskey drinks and all you want in the world is to fall onto your bed without taking your shoes off, it feels like a really huge deal.

In summary, you won't be able to avoid the rush of D-Bags wherever it is you stay on The Strip, but The Aria has rooms similar to what old movies predicted hotels would be like in the future, with the added bonus of the LEED certification to make your environmentalism loving heart feel less guilty about driving 350 miles to indulge in hedonism in the middle of a dessert where they should never have built a city. Recommended!