Hipster Shopping in Las Vegas

I'll be honest; I don't really know what the term hipster means anymore. The word has become an over-determined and silly catchall that's ceased to have any real meaning.
There is definitely a stereotypical hipster look, one that's basically become a uniform of the indie-inclined. Many people choose to "dress the part" in the undying human quest to fit in, adopting the vintage fashion and over sized glasses that have become ubiquitous from Los Feliz to Brooklyn. I can't say I'm really above it... I do have a closet full of plaid and American Apparel shirts with band logos screen-printed on them. Plus, I also rock a mighty beard and sport thick black glasses (though I've had them since I was in high school and before they were trendy, but I guess voicing that protest is about as hipstery as one can get).

If you really want to fully embody the hipster style, whether to infiltrate a suspicious cell of ironic terrorists who want to overthrow the government based on the philosophy of Vice Magazine or you just want to put together a killer Halloween costume, it's easy to find the perfect retail outlets for hipster essentials in any major city.

Including Las Vegas, of course. Below is a listing of the indiest and most hipsterific retail options in Sin City. Visit them ironically if you like, shop at them because you're insecure and desperately want to fit in to a social group, or spend your money at these spots because they're cool and sell unique things that you like.

BUFFALO EXCHANGE
4110 S. Maryland Parkway
Las Vegas, NV 89119
 

Buy, sell, and trade clothes at this hip vintage shop, which works as a locally sourced fashion exchange. Because the people who shop and trade in their old clothes at the store (a link in an extremely popular national chain) are generally extremely hip and in the know, you can usually find some really great clothes at hugely discounted rates from their original retail prices.

ELECTRIC LEMONADE  
220 E. Charleston Blvd.

A curated store catering to women, this place carries a mix of hip fashion labels and smartly selected vintage clothing. If you're looking for classic concert T-Shirts that will make people think you went to see The Dead or Janis Joplin in the 70's (even though you were born in the mid 80's), this is the place for you (though be prepared to pay handsomely to partake in their excellent selection).

BETTIE PAGE CLOTHING
Planet Hollywood Resort and Caesars Palace
  The classic look of the curvy pinup star is all the rage with cute hipster girls these days, and they can find clothes designed to capture her timeless style at these two specialty retail outlets on The Strip.


RETROSPECS & CO.
The Cosmpolitan

Designer eye wear with a vintage slant that can give you the perfect cool nerd look. Shop here even if you technically don't actually need glasses; you can be like those NBA guys chatting in their post-game press conferences with sporting the "big frames and no lenses" look! Or don't do that, because it's kind of stupid.

THE ART OF SHAVING
Mandalay Place and Canal Shoppes at The Venetian

If you've never paid for a professional shave, it's totally awesome bros. Get your lumberjack beard or killer stache shaped by a style assasin. And enjoy the hot towels. After you experience the faux old timey barbershop situation at The Art of Shaving, you'll never want to live in a world without hot towels again.

ZIA RECORD EXCHANGE

4503 W. Sahara Avenue, Las Vegas NV 89102
Monday through Sunday 10 AM – MIDNIGHT


4225 S. Eastern Avenue, Las Vegas NV 89119
Monday through Sunday 10 AM – MIDNIGHT
 Neither Zia Exchange Shop location in Las Vegas is as big as the Amoeba megastores in LA, San Francisco, or Berkely, but then again, what record store is? Zia, which also has a few locations in Arizona, carries a deep selection of new and used CDs, Vinyl Records, Blu Rays, DVDs, and video games. Dig through their selection and you're sure to find some obscure vinyl to carry home in environmentally friendly messenger bag.

Bauman Rare Books
Shoppes at The Palazzo
Okay, you're probably not actually going to buy any books at this place unless you're rank is actually Captain and your last name is Moneybags, but this place is worth a visit. Basically a museum devoted to first editions of classic literature, lit geeks can look at and handle original copies of amazing classics like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn that date back to a time when Mark Twain could have inspected the copies. An incredible place to find a great wedding gift for bookhead couples, try not to drool on these tomes, many of which are hundreds of years old.

The Wonderfully Weird Museums of Las Vegas

Las Vegas is not really known as a town for art lovers. Sure, Steve Wynn brought fine art to Las Vegas when he opened The Gallery at Bellagio before he sold the lavish resort to MGM, a move that drew as much derision as it drew praise (I couldn't find a link to the SNL sketch where Ben Stiller plays Wynn and announces the opening of the fine arts gallery by boasting "we got a butt load of Picassos!" but it's very funny. Trust me. But real life is funnier than sketch comedy anyway, as I can share a link to that amazing story where Wynn poked a hole in a real Picasso due to his poor eyesight.)

While a few of the galleries in Las Vegas resorts actually offer an opportunity to view some great works of art (despite the seemingly contradictory fact that they're in casinos on The Strip), you go to Paris for great art (and not the fake version of Paris in Las Vegas). When in Rome, do as the Romans do (and not the fake version of Rome in Las Vegas). The most interesting museums in the city are the ones that are just a bit weird and reflect the town's rich and extremely colorful history. And while I'm completely excited by a lot of the cool underground, independent art created by locals and exhibited in the many diverse and progressive galleries opening all over Downtown, that's not what I'm going to talk about in this post. What I'm going to talk about is the most colorful, unique, entertaining and just plain Las Vegas-y museums in and around the city (a list that sadly excludes the dearly departed and flamboyantly crazy Liberace Museum).

THE MOB MUSEUM and THE MOB ATTRACTION
Though its run by large international corporations today, Las Vegas was built by the mob. And while Occupy Wall Street-minded types might argue that large companies are worse than organized crime, the fact is that the mafia did a lot more tangibly awful things, like whacking people with Tommy Guns and saying things like "Keep the Change, you filthy animal" (because the fake movie that Kevin watches in Home Alone is based on reality, I'm pretty sure). That said, mob history is also a lot more interesting (in a lurid and dark way) than histories a corporations mergers and quarterly earnings reports. Which is why there are now two museums dedicated to the history of the mob in Las Vegas while there will probably never be a Museum of Multinational Corporations and Conglomerates (MMCC).

The Mob Museum, located in an old courthouse where many colorful criminals were actually prosecuted, does an admirable job of confronting Sin City's very seedy past, with an incredibly in depth history of the organized criminals who ran the town and how they were ultimately taken down. The museum tells both sides of the story, from the point of view of the mobsters and the point of view of the cops who doggedly pursued them, with tons of interactive elements, artifacts from the era, crime scene photos, and somewhat creepy pieces like real weapons used by mafioso foot soldiers and the actual barber chair in which Murder, Inc. boss Albert Anastasia was assassinated. The Tropicana also hosts their own Mob Exhibit on The Strip, with a more interactive element that fits in perfectly as a Casino attraction. Both of these exhibits are worth visiting, especially for fans of The Sopranos, Goodfellas, The Godfather, and Casino.
 
THE ATOMIC TESTING MUSEUM
Las Vegas is all about bright lights, and no light is brighter than the flash of an atom bomb. Sin City used to be the site of atomic bomb tests (okay, obviously not the city itself... if that was true, there would be a giant crater there instead of The Strip) which patrons of Atomic Liquors would watch as sipped strong cocktails. The Atomic Testing Museum, chartered by Congress and presented by The Smithsonian Institute, presents the history and controversy surrounding the creation of The A-Bomb through timelines, vintage films, photographs, and gadgets from the era. The museum takes you back in time with recreations of underground test facilities and dioramas of those eerie "nuclear families" made of All-American looking mannequins that were used in the tests, as well as interesting artifacts that bring the era to vivid life. This place is a must-see for any history buffs/ geeks looking to take a break from The Strip. (The Museum features a new Area 51 exhibit for an additional fee. I haven't seen it yet, and even though I love the idea of an exhibit covering the history of UFO sightings in America, the Yelp reviews have been less than kind.)



THE NEON BONEEYARD 
Even more than Los Angeles, Las Vegas is a town that sheds its identity quickly and without sentiment. Classic resorts where The Rat Pack partied and performed are mercilessly imploded to make way for the the latest slick multi-billion dollar resort that will become outdated within a few years as the city relentlessly pursues the latest and greatest trends (dramatic, right?). Luckily, the creators of The Neon Museum thought to preserve the colorful, garish, and sometimes seedy history of the great Las Vegas resorts of old in the form of their iconic neon signage. The nonprofit group that runs the museum has collected tons of the signs, which they describe as "Las Vegas' iconic art form," and gathered them in a 2 acre park. While some of the more famous signs are displayed on The Fremont Street Experience, if you want to see more of the 150 restored and donated signs that date from the 1930's- 90's, you'll have to make an appointment ahead of time. Also, be sure to check out the Neon Museum's visitor's center located in the restored lobby of The Paul Revere Williams designed La Concha.

PINBALL HALL OF FAME
This one is for the true geeks, but it's awesome. The Pinball Hall of Fame is not a solemn space dedicated to the Pinball wizards of the past... instead of a historical hall dedicated to the players, it's an exhibition of the greatest Pinball Machines of all time. The collection features hundreds of machines made between the 1950's- 90's as well as a few classic novelty arcade games. The museum places an emphasis on machines built between the 60's- 80's, an era known to Pinheads as the golden age of the game. Best of all, each and every machine is fully restored and playable. At rates of 25- 50 cents per game, it takes a lot longer to lose money there at any Casino in town.

Escape from Douchebaggery, Part 26: Las Vegas Distillery

Ah, whiskey.

When beer just isn't strong enough to do the trick, I like to drink a nice glass of whiskey on the rocks. And then another. And then a few more.

While there are a few good breweries in Las Vegas, there were no distilleries in Nevada (well, legal ones, at least). Until now.

Charming raconteur George Racz  is the mastermind behind the newly opened Las Vegas Distillery, which was founded just two years ago to  become the state's first legal liquor distillery. Open to the public, George is happy to offer tours of his facilities and teach people about the process of crafting his delicious concoctions. He'll also tell you his completely fascinating life story, as the charismatic liquor craftsman is quickly becoming a local hero.


At this point, he can't legally pour drinks on his premises. But soon enough, his tasting room should be open for business. (I'm hoping against hope it's up and running by the time I visit Sin City next, but that might be wishful thinking.)

While you can't drink at the distillery, his bottles are available in a bunch of local stores. The self taught distiller has taught himself super-well. I haven't gotten to sample all of his offerings yet, but George's Devil's Darling Seven Grain Whiskey from his "Whiskeysmith Collection" is excellent straight or on the rocks, and his Shorty Harris Corn Bourbon is terrific too (while many Southerners claim the only real Bourbon comes from Kentucky, they'll just have to get over it because George's riff is incredible).

Their most unique concoction is their one of a kind series of "Rumskeys," which are exactly as their name implies... a series of Rum and Whiskey blends double distilled from fermented molasses/rum base and whiskey mash/ whiskey base. The distillery offers a few styles of their the mad scientist's concoction, including barell aged Baby and a White, which was awarded a Gold Medal at this year's San Francisco World Spirits Competition. It sounds crazy, but the Frankenstein creation is actually super drinkable (and capable of getting you TOTALLY MESSED UP if you're not careful).

George also makes a few different Vodkas. I'm sure they're all just as good as everything else he crafts, but I don't really drink Vodka all that often because I'm not a 19 year old college girl.

The Distillery is also working on a Big Barrell aged Whiskey series and aged Rumskeys in Bourbon, Rye, and Single Malt varieties that won't be available until 2014, but leave my mouth watering in anticipation. I'm sure they will all kick serious kinds of ass.

While you can't sample the wares on the premises, it's still worth a visit to The Las Vegas Distillery to see how George Racz and his merry band of liquor craftspeople make their magic. And then immediately find a store that sells his product for a night of locally sourced partying.

Paradise City Comes to Sin City

Las Vegas has become Florida for rock icons: it's where they spend their golden years in relative comfort (except for the 110 degree plus heat) before their careers wither away and die.

In the past, resident Vegas performers could generally be grouped under the "adult contemporary" banner in hopes of bringing the biggest possible audience of old people from the midwest looking for inoffensive entertainment. But news broke today that Guns N Roses would become the next nostalgia act to headline a Sin City residency starting on Halloween night at The Joint in The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. The announcement comes on the heels of Motley Crue's decently successful run at the same venue earlier this year, which means that hard rock bands playing Las Vegas residencies is officially a trend.

The news no doubt has caused existential panic amongst former Sunset Strip headbangers, reminding them of their advancing age and mortality even more than their wild party days being turned into the hit Broadway musical Rock of Ages (a version of which is also opening soon in Las Vegas at The Venetian, despite the fact that the movie adaptation was a box office dud), as the formerly dangerous band who sexily welcomed so many to the jungle is now joining the ranks of Celine Dion, Barry Manilow, and Donny & Marie.

Some (including myself) may argue that the band playing in Las Vegas isn't the true Guns N Roses, as legendary frontman/ asshole Axl Rose is the only remaining original member of the original member lineup. GNR isn't truly GNR without Slash, a figure who is nearly as iconic as the band's singer. Plus Axl's seen better days, as snarky bloggers are quick to point out that the formerly lithe rockstar has put on weight, tied his hair into ugly cornrows, and lost much of the edge to his famous falsetto.

With all of that said, GNR's (or what's left of the band's) Appetite for Democracy month long stand at The Hard Rock is actually one of the smartest choices for a Vegas residency act I've heard in a long time (with Bette Midler's ill-fated run at Caesars Palace a few years back being the absolute dumbest). Slash or no, the band is still an internationally known brand name with huge appeal and a deep back-catalog of memorable hits (most of which came from their first album, but it's a helluva first album).

At the height of their fame (and I know that the height of their fame is about four presidential administrations ago, but still), they were able to release two separate albums on the same day, bill them as Part 1 and 2 (instead of packaging them as one double album, like a sane band), and debut simultaneously on the top two spots on the Billboard charts.

Chinese Democracy, their decade in the making, $13.5 million dollar mega-record didn't fare nearly as well when it finally came out in 2008. But the record's release was a seismic cultural event nonetheless, covered religiously by indie music blogs and big media outlets alike. How many bands still draw this much speculation and attention? Sure, the fact that the record took so long and cost so much just to produce are a major reason it was so closely observed... but Axl Rose still knows how to draw attention as a bigger than life rock star. And his weight, stupid hairdo, and less than peak era vocals are secondary to that fact at this point in his career.

Axl and his current version of Guns N Roses will pack the crowds in at The Joint because he's one of the few people left who actually has the swagger to pull off being a rock star. A legendary narcissist,  Rose's most recent outrageous act was to write an open letter declining an invitation to perform at GNR's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony because he didn't want to share the stage with his former band members. Rose has a history of unpredictable to straight up bad behavior, causing a riot in Montreal back in the early 90's when he refused to play after Metallica frontman James Hetfield was nearly killed by onstage pyrotechnics. That's right, Axl Rose is such a volatile dude he caused the only known incident of Canadians acting violently in any capacity.

All of which means that these upcoming GNR shows in Las Vegas will bring a welcome unpredictability to the proceedings. The best and worst Vegas residency shows are precisely planned events. Elton John's awesome Million Dollar Piano show (his followup to his mega successful Red Piano residency which ran for five years) features a locked setlist in order to feature the incredible stagecraft and video elements. The Motley Crue shows earlier this year featured elements of giant, precisely timed spectacle as well, including a flying apparatus for Vince Neil to ride over the crowd and Cirque Du Soleil-like aerialists. These elements ensure that the shows will deliver plenty of bang for the many bucks one has to pay for the cost of a ticket, but they also mean there is a bit less spontaneity in the performances.

I'm not saying that the Guns N Roses shows won't feature plenty of highly planned special effects elements... but adding Axl Rose to the equation automatically makes things a little more volatile, which is something the Las Vegas entertainment scene sorely needs.

Axl Rose is that rare breed at this point in musical history, a guy who (as James Murphy said in Shut Up and Play the Hits, in reference to Kanye West) is actually "doing the job of being a rock star." Axl is ego given human form, an outrageous and stupid and sometimes brilliant man convinced of his own brilliance even though the music industry has tried to move on from his brand of rock-stardom. And his personality can still lead to amazing concert experiences.

Axl might embarrass himself during some of the shows at The Joint. He might jerkishly decide to half ass it a few nights. He might go onstage, imagine ways that the audience has abused him, and spend the evening battling the crowd, swearing at them even though they've paid good money to be there. He might even decide not to come out and perform just because he doesn't feel like it. Or he might prove that he's still got a few unforgettable and mind blowing performances left in the tank yet.

It's a gamble, but so is everything in Las Vegas. Welcome to the Jungle. 

Bad Vibrations: Why Surf the Musical Wiped Out

Surf the Musical was an ambitious gamble, even in a city known for big bets. And it looks like the show's producers have crapped out after just six weeks.

The $10 million jukebox musical featuring the classic music of The Beach Boys told a nostalgic tale of love set in the So-Cal surf culture of the 1960's. Featuring cutting edge video technology, live musicians, and proven talent (including the director of the original production of the smash hit jukebox musical Rock of Ages, which inspired the awesomely bad Tom Cruise flop this summer) and Adrien Zmed (whose screen credits include Grease 2 and TJ Hooker, which put him far from the A-List but proves he knows what the eff he's doing). The real gamble was the fact that the producers spent so much money on a totally original production instead of opening an already proven hit in Vegas.

I can't stress enough what kind of brass balls it took to do this. Nobody opens original productions in Las Vegas. Just look at the shows playing there now... there are something like 72 Cirque Du Soleil shows (and a few Cirque ripoffs), Phantom of the Opera, Blue Man Group, and the somehow still extremely popular Jersey Boys. (I'm not trying to criticize the show when I saw somehow extremely popular... I'm just shocked that a show about pre-rock and roll 50's pop singers has resonated so deeply with audiences, many of them young people, for so long. But those Four Seasons songs are ridiculously catchy.) The common thread among all of these shows is that they were all established smash hits long before they opened in Las Vegas; every last one of them was a relatively safe bet with a built in fan base ensuring they'd have audiences waiting for them when they opened.

Even established smash hits sometimes don't catch on in Sin City for whatever reason, as shows that are still running in other cities like Avenue Q, Monty Python's Spamalot, and the awesomely cracked out We Will Rock You (where the music of Queen frees the minds of masses the masses from a corporately controlled dystopian future) all had relatively short runs on The Strip.


The only original production I can think of off the top of my head (because I'm too lazy to do real research on this, basically) that came out of Las Vegas was Mike Tyson's Spike Lee directed one man show, Undisputed Truth, which did well enough to earn a limited Broadway run. (Note: some of you will try to trump me and point out that most of the Vegas Cirque shows originated there, as did variety spectacles like the long running Jubilee! at Bally's, tribute acts to The Rat Pack and Elvis, and the many adult shows on The Strip, including the one with boobs and vampires. To which I respond: you know I'm not talking about variety shows, tribute acts, adult revues, or artsy fartsy French-Canadian acrobatic spectacles, so don't be a smart-ass.) But that show starred a pop culture icon with deep roots in Sin City telling a crazy tabloid tale. Also, a one man show is a helluva lot easier (and cheaper) to stage than a full scale musical.

One could argue that the music of The Beach Boys would have been enough to draw in audiences, and while they're one of the most popular bands of all time, currently wrapping up a hugely successful reunion tour, and more influential than ever (with bands as diverse as Best Coast and Animal Collective clearly influenced by their classic sound), even splashing their name across all of the show's advertising wasn't enough to turn Surf the Musical into a hit. Show goers in Vegas are almost entirely made up of older tourists looking for a sure thing when they're spending over $100 a ticket. When it comes down to a choice between Jersey Boys, a name-brand jukebox musical with tons of great word of mouth and Tony wins under its belt, why would anyone choose the new upstart instead, even if you prefer The Beach Boys to Frankie Vallie and the Four Seasons. Another issue was that The Beach Boys never officially endorsed the show. A lavish premiere where Brian Wilson walking the red carpet and looking confused with the rest of the band in tow would have been a great promotional opportunity. But the problems go deeper: the producers needed more than cover versions of decades old Beach Boys tunes and the second lead from TJ Hooker to sell their ambitious show to the masses. (TJ Hooker's third lead, Heather Locklear, might have helped, come to think of it.)

I didn't get to check out Surf the Musical, so all of this is conjecture on my part. Perhaps the show was  a magnificent Broadway style production that used classic Beach Boy tunes in exciting new contexts. But based on the many reviews I've read, I highly doubt that. The storyline was pure 60's surf movie simplicity about a guy losing a girl and working to get her back from the arrogant bad guy. When was the last time an earnest surf movie was a hit?

Reports for the show's attendance were extremely bleak. No performance sold more than 200 seats in Planet Hollywood's 1,500 seat Peepshow theater, while one night was attended by an abysmal 50 people. The show began running previews on June 29 and opened officially on July 17. The last performance will be on Wednesday, August 15. That's about six weeks of shows and millions of dollars lost. All of which is very dispiriting, because I love the idea of producers originating a new show in Las Vegas, even though it seems counter intuitive. I respect the moxy of the producers for betting so big, but their bet was fundamentally flawed, like a Blackjack player hitting on 19. No wonder they went bust.

So what could they have done to succeed with an original show in Las Vegas? I (of course, y'all know I gots to get in there) have a few (fully unsolicited) ideas that might be prove helpful to the next brass-balled producer who attempts such a feat.

Make it Vegas-centric
People come to Las Vegas for a Las Vegas experience. For a show to succeed, set it in Sin City and make it about something quintessentially Las Vegan. Play up the spectacle, the excess, the sin, and the city's rich showbiz and mob related history. The Beach Boys could be the basis for a great show, but the whole production seemed so So-Cal centric. Why not make it about 60's Vegas and set it to the beat of Rat Pack classics? Or just call Marty Scorsese and ask him if the rights to Casino: The Musical are available. (The last part is mostly a joke, but how amazing would that be, really?)


Base it Around Something Currently Popular

Not to say that The Beach Boys aren't one of the most popular bands of all time, but they're not exactly hip with the kids. While the sweet spot for selling show tickets in Las Vegas is probably middle aged to the genuinely elderly (because young people generally go to Vegas to party, not listen to show tunes) it would perhaps be wise to base a show around a more relevant act. Garth Brooks has been selling out his intimate shows at The Wynn (even though the lowest ticket prices are nearly $300), so why not base a show around his stuff or other country hits? (Has there ever been a country music jukebox musical? I cop to being one of those music snobs who says he listens to "everything but country," but I'd be more than happy to familiarize myself with the genre if I could make millions of dollars putting one together. Just say the word, producers.)

Feature a Genuine Star
Not to besmirch a showbiz survivor like Mr. Zmed, but he's not the kind of name who will draw in the big crowds looking for something fun to do on their vacation (though I'm sure there is a large contingent of TJ Hooker fanatics out there, posting on message boards and kicking themselves for missing out on the very brief run of Surf the Musical). Vegas shows have to draw the attention of people from all over the world, so you've gotta a pander a bit. And there's no better way to pander than to bring in a really big star. Celine Dion nearly sold out every performance she gave at Caesars Palace for five years and was so successful that they brought her back for another residency. The same thing happened with Elton John, and as mentioned above, Garth Brooks has been knocking it out of the park at The Wynn. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Cee-Lo, and Shania Twain will all launch residency shows in the near future. Why not get a big star to headline an original production? Recruit Prince for a live action Purple Rain! Cast David Bowie and some puppets in a full scale Labyrinth musical! The possibilities are endless.

Or they could just call it a day and pay Zach Galifianakis a gold yacht filled with money to star in The Hangover: The Musical.

Escape from Douchebaggery, Part 25: Secret Pizza at The Cosmopolitan

We're 25 posts in to the Escape from Douchebaggery series! That's enough posts that you couldn't possibly get all of my recommendations in during one Las Vegas trip. But nobody should go to Vegas just once. What are you gonna do, be a financially responsible human who makes good decisions, when you could enjoy pure excess in metropolitan?


And at some point while you're making bad decisions til incredibly late/ early, you're gonna need to eat something to soak up the poison you've been imbibing. One of the best and coolest spots to grab a drunken late night bite on The Strip is Secret Pizza at The Cosmopolitan.

The restaurant has become a word of mouth sensation even though The Cosmo doesn't advertise its existence (or list it on their website), and they've cheekily hidden it away in a corner in the back of the casino. The secrecy lends the place a cool underground vibe similar to the small and grungy Burger Joint hidden away in midtown Manhattan's elegant Le Parker Meridian Hotel. While the restaurant isn't hard all that hard to find, you'll have to a wee bit of searching to find the simple sign marking the willfully hidden gem.

Unlike The Burger Joint, where the staff is legendarily rude, Secret Pizza's tattooed and alty staff is friendly and relaxed. The vibe is catnip for a lover of divey punk bars like myself, with framed vinyl record covers lining the walls and a few old school video games and pinball machines to help you kill the time while your pizza cooks.

Oh right, and how is the, you know, pizza at Secret Pizza, you might ask. Pretty damned great, especially when you're scarfing it at 3:00 AM on a long weekend night (the place is open until 5:00 in the morning on weekends). The place has tons of topping options beyond the usual Pizza Hut selection, with Ricotta Cheese, White Sauce, and fresh meats among your choices. All pies are made fresh, which means you'll have to wait a few minutes, but the slices will taste a lot better than the congealed offerings sitting under heat lamps for hours at the many Sbarros on The Strip.

A whole pie isn't cheap (it'll run you about $30), but it's the best bang for your buck for late night food (because you really don't want to Denny's, ever) and you can feed an entire group with a large. If you don't want to go all in a whole pizza, the place sells slices (also slightly expensive at $5 a pop). They've also got a couple great beers on tap as well, including an excellent Dogfish Head IPA.

Hidden away at the back of The Cosmo, it might take you a little detective work to discover Secret Pizza. But it's worth the effort (and will afford you a satisfying sense of accomplishment after a long night of partying) to find some of the most delicious pizza in Las Vegas served in an extremely cool space that embodies the spirit of the "curious class demographic" that The Cosmo is aiming to draw better than a fancy bar in a chandelier ever could. And don't ruin the fun by telling your friends how to find the place once you've been. Because sometimes the search is as much fun as the destination.

The Best Happy Hours in Las Vegas

If you're anything like me, you're broke. And not just broke and hoping for an eventual respite, but you've come to believe and accept that being broke is simply your natural state of being, one which you will not break from at any time in near future. But just because people like us have no money doesn't mean we don't like to drink... in fact, not having any money is one of the main reasons we are so eager to drink.

Keeping your conflicting desires to get messed up and save cash in mind, I humbly present my list of the best Happy Hours in Las Vegas, with the sincere hope that I can help you get wasted without being wasteful:

LEVEL 107 LOUNGE 
Stratosphere
4:00- 7:00 PM Daily
2 for 1 Martinis, Half Price Appetizers
Named for the fact that it's on the 107th floor of The Stratosphere (a casino whose theme is basically "tallness"), this funky Jazz lounge features live music Wednesday- Sunday evenings and an absolutely unbelievable view of The Strip. You'll feel like a real classy chap or broad as you sip on the 2 for 1 Martinis and half price Shrimp Cocktails, without spending classy chap or broad cash.

TENAYA CREEK BREWERY
3101 N Tenaya Way
Las Vegas, NV 89128 4:00- 7:00 PM and 10:00 PM- 2:00 AM Monday- Friday
$9 Pitchers, $3 Pints, $4 Imperials, $1 off Wines and Well Drinks
Originally a restaurant and brewery, the owners of Tenaya Creek realized their true passion was making delicious Beers, which they decided to focus on exclusively in 2008. Good thing too, because they've mastered the craft of the Craft. Enjoy some of their excellent Brews, like their Hop Ride IPA and Red Ryder Ale in their tasting room just a short drive from The Strip.


DOWNTOWN COCKTAIL ROOM
111 S Las Vegas Blvd
Las Vegas, NV 891014:00- 8:00 PM Mondays- Fridays
$5 Mixed Drinks, $7 Specialty Cocktails
This is not the first time I've sung the praises of Tony Hsieh's favorite watering hole, and while $7 isn't cheap for a drink by anyone's stretch of the imagination, the  DTCR's signature Cocktails are truly special (and worth their full, non-happy hour prices). So visit this mecca of Downtown cool before 8:00 PM on a weeknight and hobnob with the most influential Las Vegans as they unwind after work while you enjoy reduced prices on a selection of the most creative Cocktails made with fresh seasonal ingredients made by some of the best mixologists in town.

THE GRIFFIN
511 Fremont St
Las Vegas, NV 89101
5:00- 8:00 PM Daily
$1 Off Everything, $3 Draft Beers, $3 Well Drinks, $3 PBR
As I continue to endorse Bars I've already endorsed, we arrive again to the awesome Griffin with it's excellent Happy Hour prices featured every night (even weekends!) and observe its continied dominance as the king of hipster bars in Las Vegas by offering deals on PBR Tallboys. One complaint though... somehow, even as Craft Brew fever continues to spread amongs the hipsteratti, people are unable to avail themselves of the idea that Hipsters love PBR because of the irony factor. The truth is that we drink it for the same reason as anyone who drinks it: because it's really friggin' cheap.


JAPONAIS
The Mirage
5:00 PM- 8:00 PM Daily
$7 Appetizers, $7 Cocktails, $4 Beers
This fancy-schmancy Sushi restaurant in The Mirage is incredible, but pretty expensive if you miss their happy hour deals. And since you're not stupid, you should go for the happy hour deals. Their signature cocktail, The Floating Orchid is a sweet but not cloying concoction made with Vodka, fresh Pear, Lemon Juice and an actual, edible floating orchid that my ex-girlfriend was delighted by when I got her one a few years back. (She wasn't delighted enough to spare me the heart stomping she delivered when she dumped me few months after we went to Japonais together. This just got weirdly personal. Japonais is good.).

ARTISAN HOTEL BOUTIQUE BAR AND ULTRALOUNGE
1501 West Sahara Avenue 
Las Vegas, NV 89102
4:00 PM- 8:00 PM Sunday- Thursday
50% Off All drinks and Appetizers
The sleek lounge at this hotel, which I've already argued is becoming the Las Vegas equivalent of an Ace property (at least until an actual Ace Hotel finally opens there, fingers crossed), has a sexy gothic library vibe and serves some great signature cocktails and Beers. Which are even better when they're half off. Worth the off-Strip trek even if you're not staying there for their great happy hour deals. Just make sure you don't overdo it at those prices then get into a car to head back to The Strip.


FIREFLY
3900 Paradise Rd
Las Vegas, NV 89119
Monday- Thursday 3:00 PM- 6:00 PM, Friday 3:00 PM- 5:00 PM
Half off Drinks and Tapas
A fun and lively Tapas Kitchen and Bar with prices that are awesomely reasonable even outside of their later afternoon Happy Hour, Firefly is worth the journey for some Spanish style dining (though eating and drinking before 6:00 PM is very un-Spanish practice). The Vegas original restaurant's excellent Lamb Skewers, Empanadas, Croquetas, and Duck Rolls taste perfect when washed down by their fresh and tangy Sangria... but taste like pure victory when you pay half price.

CENTER BAR
Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
Daily 4:00 PM- 8:00 PM
Daily Specials and 2 for 1 Drink Specials
Formerly known (and often still referred to) as Circle Bar, The Hard Rock's Center Bar (named for the fact that it's in pretty much the exact middle of their casino floor) was somewhat of a game changer when it first opened. While it resemble many other similar casino bars, this place was once a mecca for the real-life rock stars that the resort is dedicated to honoring. Today, Center Bar attracts some of the most weird, interesting, and plain burned out Vegas party goers, making it one of the best spots for people watching in town. The weird round concave ceiling does some quirky things with the acoustics that make people listening easy as well, as you can perfectly eavesdrop on accidentally overhear conversations from clear across the room if you're positioned in the right spot. And since this is one of the only Las Vegas casino bars with a happy hour, it's worth rocking... hard.

DOUBLE HELIX WINE AND WHISKEY BAR
Shoppes at The Palazzo
Daily 3:00 PM- 6:00 PM
Half Off Selected Wines and Beers
Wine snobs are basically alcoholics with a classy cover, but if you're a fan of the more adult way of getting messed up, The Double Helix Wine and Whiskey Bar in The Shoppes at The Palazzo is one of the best Vino-Centric spots in Las Vegas. And their Happy Hour, where you can enjoy pours of an ever changing selection of Reds and Whites for half off, allows you to feel sophisticated while you save. The place also offers $5 Wine Tastings on Friday evenings, but don't do the thing where you slosh the Wine around and stick your nose in your glass unless you actually know why you're doing it. Otherwise, you're just being a douche.

TODD ENGLISH P.U.B.
Crystals at CityCenter
Monday- Friday 3:00 PM- 6:00 PM
Half off Beer Pints and Wines by the Glass (Tuesdays 9:00 PM- 11:00 PM Honey Nut Brown Ale Pints for a Nickel)
Celebrity chef Todd English, who created one of the cornerstones of upscale foodie dining with his spectacular Olives at The Bellagio (worth the insane menu prices to experience the amazing food on the restaurant's gorgeous patio with the best views of the resort's famous fountain show), hits a bulls eye with his hip take on the classic neighborhood pub. The beautifully designed Bar and restaurant features hand-designed copper ceilings, a horse-shoe shaped wooden bar, and custom hourglasses, which are used to challenge customers to drink down an entire pint before time runs out in order to win a free drink. But if you don't feel like embarrassing yourself by trying to knock back a pint in an obscenely short amount of time, you can save money without acting like a frat boy by visiting the P.U.B. during their happy hour, when you can enjoy their excellently curated selection of Beers or Wines by the glass for half off. The even better deal happens on Tuesdays, when you can score pints of Honey Nut Brown Ale for a mere nickel. If you want to experience English's excellent cuisine, though, you'll have to pay full price.